pain after pain after pain after pain there’s only so much tension that my body can take I’m too scared to take a look under the woodwork I don’t wanna know how my body clock works things are slowly seething change after change after change after change I’m changing so quickly my body can’t catch up with me parting with its remains with no closure I’m forever looking over my shoulder scene after scene shell after shell I’m still lost rage after rage after rage after rage my lovers always leave but the pecking order stays I let my anger out in controlled waves I don’t wanna wake the neighbours I wanna scream with no judgments this is all my rotten flesh they have a hunger they can’t forget they’re starting to grow a mouth teeth and eyes I wish they would die but they will live longer than I because their pain is forever matted and moulded together rolling into a ball after me I will always be tethered and it feels more alive than I

do you even hear me when I’m with you anymore do you even see the patterns in the flaws every mess feels fresh though it’s all happened before cos I’m fuming fumes going higher than the ceiling karma can’t catch this smoke that I’m feeling when it mutates all the hate falls in a different place latching onto anything with its materialistic ways cos if it’s tangible then it’s edible and anger’s got to eat cos it’s an animal I think I’m gonna blow up swelling up inside levitating beyond the gravity of my mind whatever I hold back comes out magnified more than rejection I fear nothingness that comes afterwards do you even hear me when I’m with you anymore do you even see the patterns in the flaws every mess feels fresh though it’s all happened before I am my own device could rewire at any time but I’m too used to these behaviours they’re the scenery of my life we are all just leftovers memories, feelings of ancestors we are all just carriers what’s in your bag? well I’ll show you mine if you show me yours I’ve got packets of anger just waiting to be opened small contained and tight with its own agenda I’m always ready to be deceived I can see the lies trickling like blooddrops on a white handkerchief do you even hear me when I’m with you anymore do you even see the patterns in the flaws every mess feels fresh though it’s all happened before am I someone else’s device they could rewire at any time do I control my behaviour am I a scenery imitator do you even hear me when I’m with you anymore do I even see the pattern in the flaws every mess feels fresh though it’s all happened before I am draining follow the fumes we’re all angry, we share the weight if I’m angry alone, I feel ashamed we’re all angry, we share the weight if I’m angry alone, I feel ashamed we’re all angry, we’re born that way if I’m angry too long, I feel ashamed

all of my body parts all of my circuitry deeply wired with symmetry that mirror each problem and pleasure unconsciously my anatomy’s a telepath mentally physically painfully binary nothing works alone, always a pair and it’s only when I start to look inwardly that I pick apart what’s really there always re-routing back through early memories nothing’s isolated nothing’s pure wish I could separate myself from chemistry only one way to get to the core cutting through all the layers of identity parts of me that washed up on the shore I know that not all these pieces belong to me but I can’t keep chasing you no more hold me, mirror me I wanna be new but my body will always remember I wanna be new take a good look at the monsters who made you wish I could look at myself through a microscope and diagnose to see how I am wired how my nature has conspired with my surroundings to shape and re-shape this soul observe my behaviours through a crack in the wall ‘cos I don’t know how I got here and I’m aching for more hold me, mirror me I’m awakening won’t be numb again beholding from the blue I follow the traces of pain as they continue to move around and explore new avenues severing in the background swapping one problem for another to maintain my source of instability I can finally see how my cycles have been forming round and round the same circuit I’ve been burning but now I’m learning how to reach through the roots don’t leave wounds on their own in the deep leave nothing on the wayside things can be multiplied I’m not gonna wait ‘til eyes dry need these parts alive

I’ve been living in a dream world my own life-sized snow globe frozen happiness it can’t be tampered with disconnected from the outside I’m starting to forget what I’ve given up getting over, getting older, human touch here there are no repercussions that make us who we are and make us grow up I’m starting to forget that I ever had a home away from my head voice when things get bad I can’t help but go back to that loophole in the ground that saved me all those years ago the earth swallowed me up when I couldn’t face the wreckage I was scared at first dipped my big toe in to test the waters and I liked what I felt and I liked what I didn’t I got sucked in, stuck in the fall felt glorious all the loud noise that pain makes came to a silence and I enjoyed the distance between the me I wanted and the me that existed where I didn’t have to lie awake in the bed that I had made it might not be real to you but it feels more real than anything else I knew tasted so sweet without the guilt that usually comes after see I’m safer behind the glass, behind the mask in this dream world I am an artist painting my desires onto every surface wood, metal, thoughts, feelings and faces so I can keep the fabrics of my fabrications consistent don’t be so sad you can talk to me, you can talk to me you can talk to me through the glass don’t be so sad you can look at me, you can look at me you can look at me through the glass I’m staying here and I’m never coming back what have I got apart from infinite inferno all levels combined into one because I’ve ran out of room to separate them all need to hide to heal this is the place I go to bury my problems but they come crawling back one way or another like creatures looking for revenge baring their teeth at me because the real enemy scares them I don’t belong anywhere else and I don’t fit in these escapes only last so long somebody pinch me I can see normality creeping in through the floorboards but how will I ever know if I’ve left this maze or if I’m still in it cos when one goes another one comes when one door closes another one opens don’t be so sad don’t be so sad don’t be so sad looking through masks don’t be so sad you can talk to me, you can talk to me you can talk to me through the glass don’t be so sad you can talk to me, you can talk to me you can look at me, you can look at me

I have got to find a way to let things out I have got to find a way to let things out my way I have got to find my way to let things out my way bottled up every day I have got to find a way bottle up this bottle up that bottle up this bottle up that bottle up this bottle up that plenty of regret never mind that I can always bottle it back isolate the pain throw it away and never looking back desperation unknown my soul is slowly getting sold why do I care where it goes when I reach the top there’s always more to go I’ve got more hills than I know a drop of me here a drop of me there so close to spilling my guts but if I start then I never stop a year of pain is a decade of darkness I can’t bare the thought of unleashing these horrors if my sorrow escapes, my world collapses cos if it all blows over who will I be where will I end up in the pit of desperation what did I discover into the dark, fed back a single truth emerges a submarine from dark waters bottle up this bottle up that bottle up this bottle up that plenty of regret never mind that I can always bottle it back isolate the pain throw it away and never looking back desperation unknown my soul is slowly getting sold why do I care where it goes when I reach the top there’s always more to go I’ve got more hills than I know a drop of me here a drop of me there this river runs deep this river runs deep will you ever find me returning to my old screams find out what it all means me and my duality we’re so unhealthy we’re so cagey this is the river that haunts me these are the moments that floor me everybody that has hurt me everybody that has torn me become the river that flows in me this river runs deep destination two-fold I feel the past and present mould they’ll never let me go there’s no hiding when I blackmail myself there’s more to be uncovered than I know a memory here and a memory there I’ve been blowing off steam my hundreds of bottles on the wall they could all fall down my biggest fear is that I’m nothing I’ll do anything to keep my world from crumbling took a nosedive into the abyss, one-way ticket to keep this shitshow of a life running every piece of pain I go through becomes a part of the wall and I stare at it sometimes I dream up a window I escape into but there’s no room for it self-containing dreams get nasty sometimes locked up too long turning on themselves it’s easier to dehumanise myself so I’ll keep plastering over feelings to keep from lying where I’m bleeding crying where I’m eating trying to reverse the damage but they grow back overnight I’m too scared to cut off the monsters head to end the fight so instead I bottle it up and throw it out to sea where it slowly makes its way back to me bottle up this bottle up that cos I bottle up this and I bottle up that plenty of regret never mind that and I’ll bottle up you and I’ll bottle up me if that means I can escape reality

take then we turn then we fight then we learn then we settle then we burn how do I know if I’m being myself I’ve been keeping my problems on a shelf looking at them now and again eternalise and compartmentalise my own broken franchise so I can keep them at a healthy distance I can’t let go of personal grudges they give my darkness a purpose cos I’m a fly in the ointment why haven’t I learnt to swim nobody told me I’m the only one that can save my own skin take then we turn then we fight then we learn then we settle then we burn swallow what we earn what we chase what we hate cos we are what we make bought what we sold what we cherished when we’re bored when the void gets old choose what we see invisibility is key everywhere no one cares I’ve been falling cry in disguise overnight wake up red nosebleeds in my dreams nothing but the feed recycle my own means defacing personalities love in the dark in the light despite falling apart power up wind down there’s a wound to be found hanging on last breaths guilt becoming shame becoming blame becoming part of our bodies becoming blood becoming faith overcoming decay becoming you becoming me becoming homes becoming streets becoming currency the space between becoming the spiral that we fight each day I’ve been falling I’ve been falling disappearing nearly nothing

get me off the floor I can taste old tears that have stained the carpet I remember I’ve been here before from a horizontal view memories climb over me I watch them on a screen like a movie let the world wash over like a bulldozer I become a piece of furniture I can’t feel get into a foetal position cos right now I’m missing unconditional love holding onto legs of tables and chairs like a child holding a mother sometimes I crawl into a cupboard like a blanket it becomes the wall between me and the world and only I know the password I’m protecting myself against the tide of my emotions growing high like skyscrapers and I’m just a ball of tumbleweed so weak mostly empty made of hay gone haywire I’ve been searching for the needle in the stack to fix me without it I don’t fit together get me off the floor, get me cos when I go down I tend to go deeper get me off the floor I feel small so I make myself smaller cracks in the walls look warmer though I’ve not fallen from height it feels like I have inside crossing red lines, tripping alarms hell is holding me right in its palm shadowing both sides of the coin all I see is the void all I know is the void cat’s cradle will I ever be able to untie myself from these self-fulfilling prophecies law of attraction built me a throne all I do is dismantle when I feel alone leave me on the floor collapse back on the floor relapse panic attack one too many now I can’t go back I know I need help but depression is stealthy taking me down a warpath leave me on the floor let me lie here in the aftermath get me off the floor, get me cos when I go down I tend to go deeper deep, down

Fight, flight, forever I, might, disappear Fight, flight, forever Crawling from holes that I can’t see you are the worm in me gravitate to dark corners where half-heard whispers amplify themselves you don’t even have to be in my sight to scare me I imagine you when you’re not there it’s enough to frighten me parasites come alive in suits and ties they are the boss of me fear’s own exhibition the mother of thousands she can hear me in the crowd of thorns that all want her attention each one a mouth to feed I’m on my hands and knees trying to retrace where the nightmare has been and I’m crawling from holes that I’ve never seen fight, flight, forever I, might, disappear I’m a coward, I’m a worm weaving through the particles of madness I’m an exhibition of fear the sister of thousands variations of the same darkness am I any different to the things that I’m afraid of look at me closely I’ve lost my will I’ve lost my limbs crawling in and out of holes that I’ve never been I’m looking at where my hands and knees used to be trying to retrace any piece of soul inside of me fight, flight, forever I, might, disappear